On Biting Pillows and Clawing Backs

::NOT for the shy, faint, easily offended, uber-religious, or extremely prude – in which case you’ve already blocked our website from your comp anyway::

What started off as a simple, innocent, hypothetical question to The Mayor, turned into a complex, in-depth, X-rated conversation that parralelled the pages of Penthouse magazine or a “Horny Twilight Virgins,” chat room … err, not that I would know lol.

But last night as I was skimming through the pages of New Moon, I was reminded of how frustrated and slightly pissed off I was with Bella for playing love ping-pong with 2 very hot, and loyal men who were both head over heels in love with her. Like damn bitch, save some fictional hotties for the rest of us will you?!

Then, I forced myself to sympathize considering the “predicament” she was in. Until I remembered how her and Jacob kissed and she gave in a little. It lead me to ask Rach:

“You think if (prior to Edward’s return of course) Bella and Jacob went to a house party together and got completely shit face, Bella would’ve let him tap?”

Quicker than a cocaine heartbeat she replied:

“YES. Absolutely.”

And I totally agree. Especially during that vulnerable stage in her life when her wounds were still fresh and just begging to be licked clean by say … A WOLF?! “Oh  … Jacob … please … don’t … stop,” which 20 minute later turns into, “OH JACOB PLEASE DON’T STOP!” So on that note I asked her:

“I wonder who’s better in bed? ‘Cuz Edward STAYS hard but wouldn’t that mean Jacob could fuck you like an animal?”

We concluded Jacob. Only because Edward seems like the type who would recite poetry during sex and want to cuddle afterwards. However, Rach did factor in how good cuddling with Edward after sex would feel ‘cuz you’d get to lay your hot sweaty self against his stone cold body. To which I replied, “Yah kinda like when you flip your pillow to the cold side!” To which she replied “OMG can you imagine his cold tongue on your hot …” :X (‘cuz even I can’t finish that sentence.)

To which I replied: “I can’t even believe we’re having this conversation right now.”

So now I’m here imposing the question on yall to get more opinions and to let off some steam ‘cuz there’s nowhere at work to take a cold shower at.


75 responses to “On Biting Pillows and Clawing Backs

  1. abi dont lie. this is our EVERYDAY conversation. ok maybe not every day. maybe every other day, but nothing’s off limits. hahahahaha..

    p.s. i’m STILL imagining cold tongue. actually. ..now imagining cold wang.

  2. that is dirty! But, I have to say, a good afternoon diversion! I’d probably say Jacob-only b/c I think Edward would be so tentative and be like, “oh, sorry I’m so cold…oops, sorry, I probably am going to hurt you and all your perfection” while Jacob would probably pull you as close as possible and do a little hair pulling. And, he’s really heat hot. That’s gotta be pretty good. But honestly-why not both…start with Jacob to get warmed up-then cool down with Edward… If Bella can play the field, why couldn’t we?

  3. Fricken made me fall out of my chair laughing at work – try to explain THAT to your boss.

    My friends and I have had the most serious conversations as to whether Edward could go down on Bella – seeing as that area is completely hot and engorged by blood when aroused….

    • OMG i never thought about that. this whole thing is too funny, but yeah, i mite let him off the hook when it came to that cause that;s a bite wound you never recover from.

  4. Oh my.

    I think this is sleazier than the fanfic I read last week (if that’s even possible).

    Don’t be gibing me the look. I *know* I’m not the only one reading the fanfic.

    • Holy crap there’s some HOT HOT HOT fanfic out there. You’re not alone, believe me.

      And officially – yea I’m going with Edward. I’ve read Book III of Breaking Dawn – Edward has sex like a vampire – HARD and FAST. If I need the heat I’ll leave it up to the friction. 😉

  5. O.O

    lmfao! you guys thought wayyyyyyy too much into that…but i doubt i will be able to get my mind off of it until tomorrow hahaha

  6. And crap. I’m going with Edward.

  7. YOOOOOOOO – WTF… WHY DIDN’T WE HAVE AN OPEN CHATROOM FOR THIS BITCHES?! i’m still sticking with edward – my stamina isn’t that great HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA

  8. i’m going with edward only because every time they touch she feels like there is energy going through her.

    i can only imagine the energy of certain…er…parts touching.

    yes please! hahaha

  9. PS. I’M SO NOT CUTE WHEN I SWEAT (esp when you get back of the knee sweat??? GAH ROOOOSSSS)

  10. OHMYGAWD this was hilarious!!! Leave it to the cougars to bring this topic to life. Hahah!!

    And hey, Molly, goooood one!! 😉

  11. you girls are a riot!!! Jacob all the way man! no if ands or buts!!!

  12. P S – am I the only one who’s intrigued by Jasper sex?? I mean – if he can make you FEEL anything he wants……

    Intense orgasm much?

    • OMG UR SOOOOO RITE!! i never even thought of that! He can make you have the best orgasm EVERYTIME, whenever he wants!

      but between jacob and edward ( and no i dont mean that in a nasty way 😉 ) id have ot pick Edward for sure no doubt in my mind, No way i would want to die from a heat stroke with Jake, and also Edward is just so hard all the time, and he would never get tired!

  13. OMG LADIES LADIES LADIES! and to think, i ALMOST put a “strong sexual content” warning/disclaimer on this post in case people were too shy to read it! at least i know i’m not the only one! p.s. note to self: must google “fanfic” when i get home

  14. jacob, cuz edward is cold and thats a complete turn off (2 ME) and jacobs like incredibly sexy! i mean who WOULDN’T want to get laid by him???????

  15. I’m not saying I wouldn’t enjoy Edward-he’s personally my favorite…and you know it would be really good-especially if you were already vampire-but if it was human to vampire-he might be a little too wussy…
    And sweat schmet Edward would cool it right off for you…it’d be like ice cream on a hot day…and let’s be honest-he kind of looked sweaty in the movie, so he’d probably dig it…

  16. kristina…i had not thought about that before. i am dying over here! jasper sex would be awesome too!

    and emmet sex? delicious buff man all over you? yes please.

    how about just…cullen sex. with any of them. ex any beautiful body. now i am totally straight, but i might bend a little for a cullen girl! LOL

    • Snap I’d totally have sex with Alice. Besides being incredibly adorable (how in love with Alice am I – very), she could like see what moves would be best.

      And unlike Edward, she would be able to see what moves would hurt us humans and just avoid them instead of being tentative!

      • ROFL i can not believe this convo.

        That being said, as much as i love Alice, she’s not my type. Now Rosalie on the other hand…

        I no she’s a bitch, but wouldn’t that just make it better? She’d be so pissed off, she’d take it out on you.

    • CULLEN FAMILY GANG BANG IT IS! lmao. omg i swear i’m kidding. and jane, i hope u know alice already knows what’s going down lol.


  18. Ladies I am team edward all the way but I must confess when it comes to “sexy time” I think Jacob would do a better job in the sack. The kid is HOT, and something tells me he likes to play it rough too. At least in my imagination he does 😉

  19. misshighyellow

    im all team edward… but it it came to sexin’ it up…i would go for jacob because of the muscles and animal instincts! LOL =] i would want like a “manly man” in the bed. and edward seems like he would be too timid and hold back on the good stuff. LOL

  20. Ok, I’m sure this question has come up a lot, maybe even here, but.. How the hell does Edward get an erection when he has no blood in his body.. I guess hes just rock hard all the time, but still!

  21. Now THESE are the questions I like people asking!! LOL.

    Edward might be chivalrous but if we’re talking about ‘tween the sheets only I’m going for Jacob. He’s hot, he’s horny and he’s definitely down for rough and dirty.

    Honestly, the only thing Edward has going for him in the sack is that he’s cold and hard. He’s wasted 107-ish years of building up some serious experience which is a HUGE shame (I’ve had some wine and am getting cheesy).

    • But then again… 107 yr with no action. Can u imagine the frustration? I’m sure he’d start slow, but at some point he’s gonna loose it, n experience or not, he’s a natural at everything else, y not sex?

  22. misslawncullen

    i love me some edward but c’mon now… when you think about gettin it on don’tchu fantasize about hot steamy sex not cold freezin sex?!

    soooo, that being said… i gotta say pass on the sweet lovin’ and helllowww to the animalistic, claws out, sweaty sexin’

    btw… we need to cougar post like this WTFly ladies 🙂

  23. OMG!! We’re such pervs!! But really if you think about it Edward all the way! Jacob may have the whole animal, hot sex thing going but when you start sweating like crazy it’s not going to be so sexy.

    Edward on the other hand can go all day, every day! See he might start a bit shy about certain moves, but we have no problem with time, so we can work on that.Then there is the intensity and the fact that him being cold can only make you feel HIM more. Plus just remember how he’s always kissing her neck and how he touches her, if he is that sexy when he’s not fucking can you imagine when he is?…

    • Hahaha I totally agree.. Edward has the seduction down, and the long term thing haha. I think if you want like something rough, hot and no strings attatched, you’d definatly go Jacob. If you wanted more the romance, commitment and foreplay, you’d go Edward. Jacob would just jump right into things, no coaxing needed, which is a bonus haha.

  24. I think when Bella says she’s Switzerland in Eclipse, what she really means is TEAM THREESOME, people. The girl is waaay ahead of all of us! Hahaha

  25. I ❤ you guys – this was a perfect read after a long day at work-

    I say do 'em both- Jacob first to get it hot and steeeamy and then Edward to cool it down and keep it going.

    i mean its gotta be other worldly either way 😉

  26. another jessica

    bahahahha damn. so i just got back from playing the twilight board game while drinkin with my other twihard friends and i casually check WTF?! and this is what i see?!
    i’m all team edward, but fuck… of i were bella, i would want jacobs warm strong body to just dominate me..no holding back now. i don’t even think we’d do it in a bedroom. more like somewhere in the forest on a fuckin boulder or in the meadow to wash away all the painful memories of me and edward. ooo can you just imagine all the dirty talk jake would spit?? he a bad boy. i likey.

  27. Holy Sh-t!!! I thought I was the only one that had this in my head. Ok so I think it would depend on the mood you’re in. If you’re feeling more like makin lurve then of course Edward would be the choice. He would be gentle and loving and and…BUT if you’re in the mood to just lose yourself, then I think Jacob is the choice. I could see some hair pulling, biting and nails to the back with that boy. lol

  28. LipsLikeSugar

    Molly up there said exactly what me & my friend used to say-why not both? There’s no way I could choose, because the Jacob in my head is WAAAY hotter than Taylor L’s Jacob. Damn….how the hell am I gonna get any work done today with thoughts of doing sexy times with Edward & Jacob? mmmmmm MMM!!! god DAMN shit is too much to think about! Both would be so good!

  29. Hmm, me likey this post. But thanks a million because now I have that Nine Inch Nails song – “FU like an animal” stuck in my head and I keep singing it at my desk. I’m pretty sure my boss heard me and I’m about to get fired.

  30. I like the theory on Jasper. I mean, she’s right if he can make you feel anything you want…imagine how GOOD it would feel, that means no faking it required! lol

    • nooooo kidding! i wonder what it would be like between him and Alice? future…and feel goods? idk! very curious!

      • Saw this button once:
        Alice: You’ll come in 32 seconds.
        Jasper: Sigh… you take all the fun out of this.

        Good lord, vampire pillow talk would be the best.

        PS – have you ever considered – if they have sex on the beach of Isle Esme, Edward has some sparkly discoballs…definite plus.

      • OMG! DISCOBALLS! buahahahaha sets the lighting and the mood, no? LOL

    • gotta say, i wouldn’t turn jasper down… n then there’s emmet

  31. Hhahaha Jane, that’s funny! On that note, to quote Lady Gaga “I wanna take a ride on that disco stick!”

  32. Y’all have me laughing. My co-worker is trying to get a sneak at what I’m reading and I’m not having it. I can’t share this – it will get me fired.

  33. Hmmm wasn’t someone wanting to get between Edward and Jacob …. this is one LUCKY fan…


  34. Here’s another point for Edward’s side…he doesn’t have to come up for air.

    If you know what I’m talking ’bout ;).

  35. See now the thing is you don’t gotta worry about Edward being cold. Y’all gotta look at this scientifically *lab goggles on*. It’s all about the friction.

    Say you got this cold, big, hard…uhm ‘stone’, you take your ‘stone’ and you uhm rub it on uhm something repeatedly it will heat up. The friction between the two surfaces converts kinetic energy into thermal energy. Therefore the previously cold, big, hard….’stone’ is now HOT!!

    As long as the contact between the two surfaces is constant and against eachother, you’re gonna end up with heat regardless.

    It’s a theory I’d want to pursue with Edward if it were possible, you know, in the interest of like science.

  36. LOL Gabby!! “umm…edward…do you want to be my lab partner?”

  37. i would worry about being to graphic, but i don’t think that’s an issue any more. So here’s my question: male vampires have it pretty easy, they’re always hard, but what about the chicks? the more i think about it, the more painful it seems from a female p.o.v.

  38. misslawncullen

    can i just say… I LOVE OUR READERS 🙂

  39. Such a hard decision! I say..why have to decide..I’d take them both.Ha!

  40. The Best WTForks post yett!! The most comments and responses ever!!

  41. Pingback: told you i was down for the claws… « What The Forks?!

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