step by step

ooooh baby.. gonna get to u girrrlll…

omg omg omg.   i just read this article – A Girl’s Guide to Hunting and Trapping RPatz, and i am DYING. 

for those of you who are in the NYC area (jess) and love u some rpatz, see if this shit works, or just have no shame, then GO STALK UR RPATZ today using these tips.   =)




In order to capture an RPatz, you will need the appropriate bait.  Consider using the following:

  • Cupcakes
  • Film scripts better than those for Twilight (shouldn’t be hard to find)
  • marijuana (only where legal)
  • a sign that says “No Twilight Fans Allowed.”‘

Place your bait of choice under a box which has been propped up with a stick with a string tied around it.  If cartoon logic proves right (and when has it not, really?), you should be able to pull the string and trap your new RPatz under the box.  If he complains, tell him that you are doing this for his own good because you really, really love him.  That should calm him down.  Otherwise, try petting his stomach.  It works on alligators.




  • WARNING: YOUR RPATZ CANNOT LIVE ON A STEADY DIET OF DEER OR WILDCAT BLOOD.  While the cover art may appear pretty, Twilight is NOT an accurate guide to keeping an RPatz.  Only trust official guides such as this one or the one written in 1996 by Geena Davis.
  • Since your RPatz is British, you may be inclined to feed him British food. I assure you, it would be much kinder to put a bullet in his brain and then violate his corpse.
  • Feed your RPatz bacon.  Why?  Because it’s bacon.


  • Bathing your RPatz will be a chore. He will likely show a great aversion to water or, in fact, any kind of personal hygiene.
  • If you experience too much trouble in this regard, strip him down and spray him with a hose. You are encouraged to take pictures of this event and share them with the internet.


  • If your RPatz grows too talkative, you can utilize a Russel Brand to interrupt him.
  • Your RPatz may attempt to run away.  If so, do not chase him into traffic.  Instead, making a calming noise to lure him back.  I suggest “I’ve got something shiny!”  Or “MTV Films is bankrupt so Eclipse and Breaking Dawn won’t be made.”
  • In general, never underestimate the effect that even a PICTURE of Stephenie Meyer can have on your new RPatz.


  • You can make your RPatz talk with simple commands such as “ACT!” or “EMOTE!” (Please note: these techniques do NOT work on Kristen Stewarts and should not be attempted.  Trying to get a Kristen Stewart to emote is like teaching a cat to do tricks: you might succeed but is it really worth it?)
  • Your RPatz may also be trained to roll over, beg, fetch and stand completely still looking very, very lost.

If all goes well, you should have your own well-trained RPatz in no time.  If it doesn’t go well, you’ll have to dispose of the corpse.  But that’s a lesson for another time, isn’t it?


8 responses to “step by step


  2. Alright. That was the funniest thing I’ve read all day.

  3. By far the most amazing thing I’ve read all day.

    Heineken and Hot Pockets should probably be added to list of things with which to trap him!

  4. Holy cow that was hilarious. Especially the part about getting KStew to emote!

  5. that’s waaaay too funny and also kinda disturbing! er, or maybe it’s the disturbing bits that make it so hilarious…

    (does anyone other than me ever imagine rpatts reading this shit and being like “Dispose of my CORPSE?! WTF?!!” and then faking his own death and going into hiding forever??? i hope the poor guy is not as paranoid as the tabs would have us believe – lol…)

  6. lmao it’s like he’s a sea monkey! they forgot spaghetti with kobi meatballs mmm.

  7. he smokes weed?

  8. Ok I have the weed,bacon, omg I’m gonna trap him. Lmfaooo this is hilarious. Everyone at work is staring @ me as I was reading this on my phone. They must think I’m cray cray

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